tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-80999424401446971992024-03-13T11:53:34.145-07:00You're Beautiful, and He's a TwatAlternative Mr Menhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13569552200536987969noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8099942440144697199.post-13373938676965898382013-01-06T05:33:00.001-08:002013-01-06T05:34:44.438-08:00The Answer Isn't AuntsIn today's Observer there is an article discussing psychologist and writer of Raising Boys Stephen Biddulph, and his recent discovery that young girls are in crisis. He says that what's needed is more female influence at home, namely an "aunts army" ( http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2013/jan/05/aunties-girl-teens-consumer ). I am not one to complain about an article in a national Sunday newspaper raising awareness of the fact that young girls are having a horrible time of it, that they suffer record highs of anxiety and self esteem issues. I am even hopeful that such a discussion will move towards a recognition that there are links between the low self esteem of teenage girls and the high rates of domestic violence against adult women.<br />
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What does make me angry is the suggestion that these things ultimately come from poor mothering. He believes that "no girl and her mum always get along and no mum can meet all her daughter's needs," without providing a lot of evidence for this belief. Perhaps it's because women just can't get along with all those hormones?<br />
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I would like to offer a personal case study and hypothesis to counter Stephen Biddulph's theory.<br />
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Meet Vicky. She is ten years old. She is brighter than average and comes from a liberal background. Both of her parents are teachers, and she has been brought up to understand that asking questions and being curious are routes to happiness. She will happily agree that she loves both of her parents and gets along with them equally. She is popular at school and on friendly terms with the majority of her classmates. At school there is a seating system whereby students in a class sit according to how well they perform academically. Vicky has always sat at the 'top' table throughout her primary school career, and this is considered 'cool'.<br />
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Vicky is now twelve, and goes to state comprehensive school. It's been a bit of a shock to the system. Classes are no longer banded and people sit wherever they want. She sits anywhere, because she no longer has a close circle of friends. Vicky is now aware that she has buck teeth and a crooked nose. It's not to say that these things weren't true before, they had just never really been important. Now they are pointed out on a daily basis by boys that she knows are stupider than her and have no particular claims to beauty themselves. At home, things are still very happy. Vicky still loves both of her parents, but in the last two years has become closer to her mother. There are things she needs to know that she would just rather not ask her father about and, as things turn less pleasant at school, it is less embarrassing to tell her mother than her father.<br />
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Vicky is now sixteen, and she has her first proper boyfriend. He is a clever boy and she has wanted him to be her boyfriend for a year. Their burgeoning relationship is soured by the fact that almost everyone else in her year believes she is a lesbian. Girls in her gym class cross to the other side of the corridor when she walks past, and have loudly asked the PE teacher if Vicky should be allowed to watch them changing. One classmate asks Vicky's boyfriend, "If you're going out with a lesbian, does that make you gay?" when he sees them kissing. This time, it is usually other girls who tease her. Vicky has friends now, though only one close friend and she's not even entirely sure about her. She has learned that people will change allegiance very quickly and finds it difficult to trust her peers. She is aware she is poorer than her friends. At home, things are happy but strained. Vicky has become very close to her mother, finding her an excellent confidante and a person that can be trusted. But it is becoming increasingly clear that her mother has mental health problems, and it will be another two years before she is diagnosed with chronic depression and has to stop working. She also suffers from incapacitating migraines and Vicky feels very responsible for her. She knows that when she finishes school, she wants to get a job and start paying rent to her parents.<br />
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At the end of the academic year, Vicky's boyfriend breaks up with her. He won't tell her why. They never had sex, and Vicky thinks that must be the reason.<br />
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Vicky is nineteen. She has just moved away from home to go to university. She is living with her boyfriend, and they live a bus ride away from the university campus. Vicky likes her boyfriend because he is older than her, and this shows that, if he likes her, it must be a good thing because he has experience. He also has a serious medical condition, and Vicky likes feeling needed. She is doing well at university, and enjoys once again being in a culture where working hard and being clever are a Good Thing. But she doesn't really make friends at university. It's difficult, living away from the social centre, and her boyfriend doesn't really feel like going out with a bunch of people who are so young. This makes Vicky feel special, though she does wish she had someone she was close to. She speaks to her mother almost every day on the phone for long conversations and knows that she can go back to visit whenever she wants. But she misses having someone to be close to.<br />
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Vicky is twenty-one. She is being emotionally and sexually abused by her boyfriend, who she is about to marry. Vicky doesn't quite understand that this is what is happening. She knows that she does not want sex with her partner, and that it often makes her cry. He wants her to do things that frighten her. He likes having sex with her when she's not excited, and it hurts. She also believes that most things that go wrong are her fault. She knows she is not beautiful, and believe her partner is the only person that would have her. She thinks the alternative to being with him is being entirely alone. Vicky still talks to her mother, though her partner doesn't like it - he complains that she laughs more with her mother than she does with him. She rarely sees her any more, and worries that this is because her mother doesn't like spending time with her any more. She does not recognise that her partner makes her mother uncomfortable. It sometimes crosses her mind to tell her moth that she is unhappy or frightened, but she is scared that her mother will want her to leave her partner and she will be alone. Her partner does work for her father and her brother, leading Vicky to think that they like him more than her. Vicky is very depressed. She is about to finish her university career with a good degree, but doesn't know what to do afterwards. She would like to carry on academic study, but knows that she must work because her partner's health means he cannot carry out a regular job.<br />
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Vicky grew up in a family of strong women. She had female relatives she saw regularly: her mother, her maternal grandmother, her aunt and one of her older sisters. All of these women were remarkable role models in their own right. Her mother was always approachable and practical about any problem; her grandmother volunteered for charities like Cruise Bereavement well into her senior years; her aunt worked for a shelter for women escaping domestic violence; and her sister was a strong and fearsome woman who raised three children on next to no money. Vicky did not tell any of these women she was abused by her husband until after they separated. This was for many reasons, but mostly because her abuser had made her believe two frightening facts:<br />
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1) That despite all evidence to the contrary, their relationship was perfectly normal. More than that, it was an ideal.<br />
2) That he was older and more experienced than her, and no one would believe what she said over him.<br />
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This case study shows two things that I think Stephen Biddulph is missing. Firstly, it doesn't matter how many strong adult female influences a child has in her life, if she falls into the trap of a clever abuser she will suffer and be miserable. Secondly, while we allow sexualised cruelty against young girls at such a formative age, they are going to grow up confused enough to be easy prey for abusers. <br />
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Vicky was lucky enough to wander into the path of some very good people who helped her gain the strength to leave her husband and grow close to her family again. I wish all victims of abuse could be this lucky.<br />
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Scratch that - I wish no one were a victim of abuse to begin with.Alternative Mr Menhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13569552200536987969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8099942440144697199.post-46270317300961872472012-02-07T05:13:00.000-08:002012-02-07T05:13:25.100-08:00Women with Funny Shaped BodiesThe following is an email I wrote to Debenhams following a nasty experience with a bra fitting at their Swansea store. Large breasted/broad-backed women, beware!!<br />
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Good afternoon,<br />
<br />
Following my friend telling you on Twitter that I had had some problems with the service during a bra fitting at your Swansea store, you asked me to email more details.<br />
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I went to your Swansea store this Saturday specifically to have a bra fitting. I used to go to La Senza but they're now closed down, and I know that Debenhams have an excellent range of bras for larger busts so thought I would try their fitting service. I was greeted by a sales assistant at the dressing room and I asked for a fitting. She showed me to a cubicle and told me to remove my top and leave my bra on. As I was not wearing a bra (I had outgrown all my previous size to a point where wearing them was uncomfortable) I left my T-shirt on. I had done this at previous fittings at other shops without issue. The assistant seemed surprised but carried on regardless. She measured under my bust and said I measured as a 34. She did not measure over my bust, which surprised me as this is what had happened in other fittings. She asked what size I had been wearing, and I said a 34DD. She said we would start with a 34D, which again I found surprising considering my 34DDs had become uncomfortably small.<br />
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As I expected, the 34D was much too small. She then brought me a 34DD, which was better but felt very tight around and pinched under the arms. She suggested that it would fit better if I adjusted the straps. This wasn't possible as I was wearing the bra and couldn't reach behind me. Normally in this situation, I would expect the assistant to adjust the straps for me. Next she tried a 34E, which fit a little better around but was much too big on the cup. She seemed frustrated that I did not fit any of the 34 bras as that is how I had measured, and said, "Some women just have funny shaped bodies." I was hurt by this comment, as it implied that it should be my body that fits to Debenhams' bras, rather than the other way around. I was told, "You could try a 36, but you'd have to go down a cup size. Just try different ones on, you'l find something that fits eventually."<br />
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This had left me with the impression that the assistant was going to get me a 36D to see if it fitted any better. In actualy fact, she had gone to the woman in the cubicle next to mine, who already had an assistant helping her, but was getting married and buying a wedding lingerie set. In the end, I picked up six bras in varying sizes and bought the ones that fit. This was a fairly lengthy process, during which I heard the same assistant with another woman in a neighbouring cubicle who was a 40F, and who seemed to be having similar trouble with the assistant and finding a bra that actually fit her comfortably. <br />
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I bought two 36Ds and a 34DD (This fit me around just fine, perhaps made with extra elastane?) Together with matching briefs. All in all I spent £70 at your shop. Possibly more than the woman getting married, who had two sales assistants. I would probably buy bras at Debenhams again as you do have a really beautiful and comfortable selection for larger busts. However, I would not be fitted there again, and would not go there for 'occasion' lingerie, for which I would want to be fitted.<br />
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I understand that Debenhams is not a shop that caters specifically to underwear fitting, like La Senza or Madam Foner's, and that it's possible your assistants aren't trained much in fitting or wanted to work in fitting. But I think it's important that they be taught how to deal with larger busted women, and particularly that not everyone's body is going to work specifically within the confines of their tape measure. When recounting this story to my mother (who was a bra fitter for John Lewis for several years) she was surprised that I measured as a 34, because I am very broad across the shoulders and back. There are various aspects of physionomy that need to be taken into account, as well as basic measurements, and I feel that the overall emphasis should be placed on comfort. After all, this is a piece of equipment in which a woman's expected to spend her whole day.<br />
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Normally I really enjoy shopping for underwear. It makes me feel special, and I really enjoy buying something pretty and comfortable, and having a good choice of selection. On this occasion, I really didn't enjoy myself. Afterwards I felt unattractive and freakish, and the overall experience took much longer than I had anticipated as I ended up having to fit myself.<br />
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I hope that you will consider my comments and experience, and possibly see that your staff are more thoroughly trained in fitting.<br />
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Kind regards,<br />
<br />
Vicky FordAlternative Mr Menhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13569552200536987969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8099942440144697199.post-23379615112122703202012-01-31T04:33:00.000-08:002012-01-31T04:36:37.400-08:00The Consent Debate - Some Questions Answered<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The following is an email that I sent to a friend after she asked some very pertinent questions about the rape/sexual consent question.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These questions were asked following my posting <a href="http://bluemilk.wordpress.com/2012/01/26/re-post-asking-is-sexy/">a link to this article</a> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because I discuss some very personal issues in this post, I will be heavily screening comments.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">TRIGGER WARNING: The beginning of this post is a description of my own rape and sexual abuse in some detail.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those who are triggered by descriptions of rape and/or sexual abuse should proceed with extreme caution.</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Dear S,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I'm going to try and answer some questions about the question of rape, rape apologism, rape culture and the question of consent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am by no means the definitive voice on this topic, and you undoubtedly already know that there are several different views surrounding this debate (If you're not aware, I'd be delighted to point you in the direction of some really good and interesting articles).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Personally, I take the view of Enthusiastic Consent, though I can often see the viewpoint of other forms/means of consent, so can't really say I know the answer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I've done a lot of reading around this topic, as well as going through some cognitive therapies following my own experiences, and hope that I have a reasonable understanding of what a lot of people go through following a rape or sexualt assault experience.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">If it's alright, though, I'd like to give you some information about my own experiences first.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to do this because it took me a very long time to accept that what happened to me was rape and sexual abuse, and also because my experiences are not what people usually think of when they try to visualise rape in their minds.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">My abuser was my ex-husband.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His name is Dave.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We began our relationship when <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I as 17 and he was 36.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were together for seven years, of which we were married for two.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He first abused me when I was eighteen years old.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On that occasion it was rape.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were having sex and it was incredibly painful for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However I could tell he was enjoying, and I didn't want to let him down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It became so painful that I started crying, but because he was behind me he couldn't see and continued until he came.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Afterwards he realised I had been crying.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He said he hadn't known, but did not apologise for continuing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can't remember enjoying any sexual encounter with him after this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The instances of rape were very seldom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Generally, although I did not enjoy the sex, I did consent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The truly hurtful and traumatic moments in our sexual relationship were technically sexual abuse, not rape, because they involved sexual acts not penetrative vaginal sex.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Dave at some point during our first year together said that he wanted to have anal sex with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I agreed to try it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dave did not believe in lubricant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I'm really sorry, but I can't go into details because I don't want to get upset, but this was the hardest and most painful part of my abuse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There were also issues to do with blow jobs that I don't want to go into.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When doing these things, I went through a variety of ways of saying 'no' which I think any 'normal' sexual partner (by which I mean a partner who puts the sexual needs, pleasures and comfort of their partner as an equal priority to their own) would consider to be withdrawal of consent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These included obvious disinterest in the sex that was happening, asking him to stop, asking him to wait, asking him to try something different, crying, saying "You're hurting me", and saying a "no" that was interpreted as "Wait for a minute then start again" or "I want you to try a different angle but keep doing what you're doing".<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Dave abused me in this way for two years, after which I spoke to him outside of a sexual situation and told him the things I did not want to do any more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He said my refusal to do these things made him feel dirty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He told me that lots of women do these things, that his previous girlfriends had done them. He told me I was being prudish and that I wouldn't enjoy sex if I didn't experiment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He said a lot of things but, at this point, I was very firm and refused to do it anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After this <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>he made it very clear that we would be having sex on his terms or not at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For the remainder of our marriage, we had sex around once a month.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He usually wouldn't come and, if he did, it was because he jerked himself off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When our marriage began to break down, Dave cited my stopping his abuse as one of the reasons, so I tried again to please him because I felt incredibly guilty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The two weeks I spent trying to do the things which I term abuse are some of the worst memories I have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are the most frequent flashbacks and nightmares.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think probably because I had had an affair towards the end of our marriage, and I knew what nice sex felt like.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After this time, I knew I would not be able to do this anymore, and I asked him to leave.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I didn't tell anyone for a long time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had tried sometimes to tell my Mum while Dave and I were together, but had never managed to get out the specific words.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Part of the reason was because I was scared that if I told anyone they would break us up and I would be alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt, partly because he was incredibly manipulative and partly because I had a lot of self esteem problems, that if he left I would have no one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also felt that I was the failure, I was doing something wrong, and that was the reason that I didn't enjoy the sex and he only wanted me in certain ways.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These things are, obviously, symptomatic of wider patriarchal issues to do with young women understanding their role in a relationship, developing self esteem, having an adequate sex education, etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I was a clever girl, I had a very strong feminist family, and I grew up believing that I would never let anyone abuse me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Before I was abused, I wasn’t able to understand how a woman could be being raped or sexually abused by someone she trusts, and not feel able to say, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING THAT HURTS!!!!"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still spend a lot of time thinking about why I let him do these things to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The only thing I can say is that, that first time, it was just going to be that first time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because I thought something was wrong with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And if I just gritted my teeth and bore it out, it would be fine next time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it wasn't.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I kept thinking next time will be fine, next time will be fine -- I didn't even notice the point at which hurting and being afraid became normal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And when I did realise that, I tried to do something about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I should have walked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I didn't.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe if I'd thought anyone else would believe me – or as I put it in my mind, ‘if I’d been a bit braver’ – <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would have told them and they would have given me some perspective on the severity of what was happening.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I thought that rape was a stranger grabbing a woman who's kicking and screaming, dragging her into a bush, holding a gun to her head, and having sex with her despite the fact she's begging him not to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Through speaking to family, friends, counsellors and other people with a similar experience, I know that that type of case actually forms a small minority.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That most women who are raped, are raped by someone they know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That most don't report it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That many don't even admit it happened until years after the event.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">OK, thank you for reading through that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I'm going to try and answer some of your questions more directly now, and I hope you will understand the thought processes behind my answers.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">"What kind of stuff have they [some men replying on sexual consent debates] done that is rape without them knowing it?"</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The most common that I've seen are responses either that if they hadn't borderline raped women as a teenager they never would have had sex, OR that if a woman is so drunk she can't say 'no' clearly or loudly enough that it's not their responsibility to try and ascertain whether the answer really is 'yes'.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You also get a lot of trolls (I say trolls but they're obviously people of some description) saying things like women who dress provocatively are asking to be raped, that drunk girls are fair game, and various other rape/rape culture myths.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">There is also a general sense also that if a woman does not meet a certain number of resistance targets, she’s not given a 'real' no.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For example, if a woman is consenting to foreplay, it follows she must want sex.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If a woman has invited you in for coffee, it means sex.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If sex has already begun, she's not allowed to change her mind because something has made her uncomfortable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's rarely explicitly said, but the impression these men give is that they have done these things or have friends who have done these things, and want to be told that they or their friends are not a rapist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They then start digging holes and inventing complex algorhithms for how they think a non-consent should be given.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Which is, obviously, impractical when consent can be obtained by just bluntly saying, "You're fucking hot, are we good to go?"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because when you ask for consent it doesn't have to be, like you said, "May I now touch your boob? Where am I allowed to prod my penis?"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A simple, “Is this ok?” at a crucial moment is asking for consent, and giving a cue that your partner is giving you an opportunity to re-draw the sex contract, as it were.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">"Another question would be why aren't women confident enough to articulate no clearly?"</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">This is a wider issue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let's face it, it's a fucking enormous issue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because if a straight man was about to be butt raped in a situation where he definitely didn't want to be butt raped, he'd have no issue at all saying no.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the more violent cases there are fear issues.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There's a lot of research done on reaction to rape, and especially in violent cases rape victims freeze up, either from fear or because their minds just switch off to deal with the trauma.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is what sometimes happened to me, and why I have post traumatic stress disorder.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>PTSD is essentially when our minds have blanked out a bit so we wouldn't have to fully experience something horrible but then, later on, that experience is triggered by something we experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(For a full and excellent read on PTSD I highly recommend <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Understanding Traumatic Stress</i> by </span><span class="ptbrand3"><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt; line-height: 115%;">Claudia Herbert and Ann Wetmore)</span></span><span style="font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 9.5pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For me this is often seeing an experience similar to mine, hearing a phrase similar to what Dave used to say to me, the feel of hands on my head or having someone loom over me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sorry, I'm digressing, but this is one reason why there might not be a strong explicit NO.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">In situations where the abuser is someone the victim knows, there are often a variety of emotions at play.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A woman may be faced with the choice of just doing this one little thing (as it can seem at the time) or losing a friend/husband/lover/family member.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are the consequences of saying no, of being branded frigid, of being negatively compared to another.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The way women are brought up is still to define themselves by their sexual output.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Virgin and slut are both strong insults to women.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is the knowledge, when choosing consent, that they may be choosing one path or the other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There may be feelings that the giving of sex may be the only way they can be loved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel that a BIG part of stamping out rape culture and enabling women to be able to say no, is to teach young women and girls that they are not simply sexual objects.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That saying NO isn't such a big decision that they will be defined by it negatively, in a way I think you can sometimes feel you will at the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">It's about giving power back to women, but equally about teaching men to respect a no, or a non-explicit no.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A comment that frequently comes up is that women make a 'token refusal', which a man may need to push through in order to attain sex.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don't know about you, but I've never made an explicit or non-explicit refusal without meaning it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I'm concerned that these 'token refusals' may be women who are trying to let a man down gently and not ruin a future chance of sex/friendship/whatever, but whose gentle refusal is being brushed aside and creating a vicious circle by teaching that woman that it doesn't matter if you say ‘no’, he's not going to listen.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">"The reason that I'm responding in this way is that I'm concerned about a lack of realism & an infantilisation of women in this whole rape debate. And also a demonisation of men sexually, which is bad for everyone."</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I'm assuming here that when you say 'infantilisation of women' you're talking about encouraging men to gain a definite 'yes' before pressing ahead with sex.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You see this perhaps as handling a woman with kid gloves, where I see it as a basic mark of respect which I and all women deserve.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I said earlier, although I RT'd this article (it made me smile and I agreed with the majority of it, and thought that my followers would find it interesting) I am mostly in the corner of the enthusiastic consent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The basic premise of this is that rather than doing whatever the fuck you want until someone screams, "NO!" in your face, you aim to make the person you're with scream "YES! YES FUCKING YES!!!!" as often as possible, and thereby know that you're having consensual sex.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because the part of this whole rape debate that gets me really creeped out, is when men get involved trying to ascertain what they can get away with.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That's not happy sex.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And why the fuck would you want to have sex if you're not pleasing the other person?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The way I see it, non-consensual sex is just wanking with another person's body.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Good, happy, healthy sex is about pleasing another person as much as, if not more than yourself, and getting off on how much they're into you and you're into them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's a HAPPY circle of GUH!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">But the way I read this article was that the writer had got so pissed off with men nit picking and saying, "But what if this?" that she had just decided: Right. Fuck it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You want to know if it's consensual? JUST FUCKING ASK!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's really not that much time out of your day, and it's not going to kill the mood more than POTENTIALLY RAPING SOMEONE!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it can be sexy to be asked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It can be very flattering.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We all know sex is more complicated than that, but for the real thickies who just cannot get it into their skulls that, yes, we expect them to obtain consent and not rape people, this is a pretty hard and fast rule.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's also part of turning around the responsibility.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of the things rape/SA victims so often get asked is, "Well, did you say no?" This is a way of being able to turn to a man and say, "Well, did she say yes?"</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">As far as demonising men.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is a really difficult one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is a definite demonising of the patriarchy, and the fact that the majority of (straight cis) men are brought up in a world that says it is their responsibility to take what they want and that other people (especially women) and their needs come second.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some rapists are obviously sick in the head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My ex husband was sick in the head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But he also has no comprehension that he has ever done anything wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And he used to speak frequently about women crying rape out of spite.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is the mentality he grew up with.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's a mentality I suspect a lot of men have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And by demonising rapists the way the media frequently does, it's making it worse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Saying "This is the rapiest kind of rape, done by a bad man who loves hurting women, look at him over there in the bad corner, he's BAD, aren't you glad there's only a few of them?" means that men who simply ignore a non-explicit refusal of consent don't think they're doing anything wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And when you challenge them on it, they get defensive, and start devising the aforementioned algorhithms of consent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Again, vicious circle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">So it's not so much about demonising men, as pointing out to them (not just men, but the general rape culture) that the existing mentality around the subject of rape is a very skewed one, and that this needs to be adjusted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This might mean bruising some egos, it might mean having to admit some nasty things to yourself and perhaps, if possible, apologising very sincerely to anyone you might have hurt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I think it's much more important that this bruising of egos happens in order that we can start to get women to a place where they can say no and, more importantly, so we can teach young men and boys growing up exactly what they should expect from healthy consensual sex.</span></div>Alternative Mr Menhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13569552200536987969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8099942440144697199.post-90806818329971875892012-01-23T05:46:00.000-08:002012-01-23T05:46:33.624-08:00The Receding Crimson Tide<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Being one of the pour unfortunate souls who suffers badly from PMT, it struck me this month how seldom it is that I see or hear or periods in the media.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It seems like a quarter of my life is spent complaining about my PMT lack of co-ordination, emotional collapse, pains, smells and the various other natural wonders that come with menstruation – but it’s bizarre how infrequently the women of the screen grimace and, at questioning looks, mutter, “Time of the month.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just this morning I downed a couple of pain killers, and when my male colleague asked if I had a headache I replied, “Monthly problem.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps there are women for whom their period is a blink-and-miss-it affair, but certainly not for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even before I started trying for a baby, my period became something that loomed on the horizon, casting a shadow of dread and the expectation of pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It has done since I was thirteen, and probably will do well into my forties.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I asked the question on Twitter: Excluding Carrie (Ferral women throwing tampons at a woman menstruating in a shower just isn’t what I’d call a naturalistic depiction) who can name a film where a woman in it has her period.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These were the responses:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">That Ashton Kutcher/Natalie Portman film where they’re shagging all the time</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Maybe Baby</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">My Girl</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">In the Cut.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">...That’s it.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Obviously, my method isn’t flawless – and please do add suggestions – but that seems a very short list.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Particularly when you consider the number of films in which women become pregnant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But every pregnancy film I can think of, the woman either finds out through morning sickness (Knocked Up, Juno), or because of a test done while she’s in hospital (Baby Mama).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have to go back to Grease for the immortal words, “I skipped a period.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">It was suggested that a period is one of the mundane and unpleasant facts of life that’s easily omitted from the glamour of the media, like going to the toilet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But people do go to the toilet in films.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even if it’s just for scatological comic effect, there are toilets in film.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A man was eaten on one in Jurrasic Park.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A woman spends the whole film on one in The Boat the Rocked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And let’s not move on to what happened on the sink and in the street in Bridesmaids! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But even in that last fabulous, feminist, estrogen-soaked masterpiece there was nary a tampon, not a hot water bottle to be seen.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">So why does this bother me?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, as I said before, I’m a very unfortunate, pathetic specimen at this time of the month.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I spend one week in every four with my head in the shed, in tears or in pain because of menstruation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And just once in a while, it would make me feel better to know that Gwyneth Paltrow gets greasy hair every month, that Liv Tyler has PMT spots, or that Anne Hathaway can’t move without carefully combining codeine and ibuprofen so that she can still function without passing out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want Jennifer Anniston puking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want Scarlett Johanson to get a pube caught in a sanitary towel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to see the hilarious and tragic things that befall the majority of woman-kind, and I want to be able to smile (laughing would hurt right now, my tummy’s tender) and say, “Shit, I feel your pain, sister!”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And before I wind up, I just have to share this little nugget of the most positive attitude I have ever seen to the blob:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><em>“</em></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><em>I see mine as a glorious red trophy of gore. My worshippers have left a blood sacrifice in my knickers in my honour.”</em> - @SaraAnnwyl of Twitter (Thank you!!!)</span></div>Alternative Mr Menhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13569552200536987969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8099942440144697199.post-17195557466787738822011-12-29T03:30:00.000-08:002011-12-29T03:30:31.214-08:00New BlogI have set up a blog for writing about my experiences with sexual abuse, domestic violence and living with PTSD. It is called <a href="http://writing-the-flashbacks.blogspot.com/">Writing the Flash Backs</a>. This blog contains graphic descriptions of sexual and domestic violence, and may trigger anyone effected by these issues. Please refer to the warnings at the beginning of each entry for details of what's discussed.Alternative Mr Menhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13569552200536987969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8099942440144697199.post-59618395849546008702011-12-28T03:42:00.000-08:002011-12-28T04:09:13.750-08:00News-Worthy Women of 2011<div class="MsoNormal">The BBC have published a list of<a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-16200429"> noteable news-worthy women from 2011</a>. As you scroll through this list you might notice that the majority of them are brides, victims or -- well -- pandas. And of these women, I only actually remember reading news stories about three of them (One was the panda!). But as we all know, there have been loads of women doing awesome things in the news this year. I've compiled a list, but please add your own!</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b> </b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>(Disclaimer: Describing these women as news-worthy does not mean that I agree with them. I'm looking at you, Nadine Dorries.)</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b>January 2011</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-12263398">Sian Massey</a> – Referee Official subjected to sexist criticism by (male) Sky Sports commentators</div><div class="MsoNormal"><a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-12263398"><br />
</a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b>February 2011</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-12475829">Hillary Clinton</a> – Speaks out against ‘internet repression’</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b>March 2011</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/7159077.stm">Wajeha Huwaider</a> – Makes protest video to campaign to legalise women driving in Saudi Arabia</div><div class="MsoNormal"><a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/7159077.stm"><br />
</a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b>April 2011</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/mobile/world/europe/country_profiles/3524092.stm">Atifete Jahjaga</a> – Elected first female president of Kosovo</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><br />
</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b>May 2011</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-13597627">Angela Merkel</a> – Phases out use of Nuclear Power in Germany</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b>June 2011</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-13951950">Christine Lagarde</a> – Named IMF chief</div><div class="MsoNormal"><a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-13951950"><br />
</a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b>July 2011</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-14193124">Louise Mensch</a> - Participates (understatement) in the phone-hacking Inquiry</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
<b>August 2011</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-15787605">Aung San Suu Kyi</a> – Ongoing establishment of democracy in Burma</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b>September 2011</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-14817816">Nadine Dorries</a> – Attempts to reform Abortion Legislation</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b>October 2011</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-16124697%20">Ellen Johnson Sirleaf, Leymah Gbowee & Tawakkol Karman</a> -- Winners of the Nobel Peace Prize<b> </b></div><br />
<a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-16124697"></a> <br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><b>November 2011</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-latin-america-11662623">Dilma Rousseff</a> – Becomes Brazil’s first female leader</div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><b>December 2011</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/16274572">Adele</a> – Named biggest selling artist of 2011</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
<b>Honorable Mention</b><br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-politics-12599220">Caroline Lucas</a> – Couldn’t fit her in anywhere else, but holds the title of having the most questions answered by PM in the Commons! <br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div></div>Alternative Mr Menhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13569552200536987969noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8099942440144697199.post-35270327167390204812011-12-27T07:49:00.000-08:002011-12-27T08:02:06.243-08:00Another Year of Progress (2011)It's about that time of year when one considers all that has happened since the last time it was Christmas. Because I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Depression, this is a happy time for me, as I can look back at all the things that I have done this year that I would not have been able to do the year before. Here is my list:<br />
<br />
<div style="margin-left: 36.0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">1)<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span>I learned to drive and passed my test first time.</div><div style="margin-left: 36.0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">2)<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span>I went, on my own, into two social situations in which I did not know anyone.</div><div style="margin-left: 72.0pt; mso-list: l0 level2 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">a.<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span>The first of these was to a meeting of the Swansea Feminist Network. I didn’t know anyone who would be there, but it was at a Women’s Centre and therefore not very scary.</div><div style="margin-left: 72.0pt; mso-list: l0 level2 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">b.<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span>The second was to join a sports team. A full contact sport. With trainers. While being scantily clad. This is a gold star point of progress for me, particularly as I am ENJOYING IT!!</div><div style="margin-left: 36.0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">3)<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span>I went with Mark to the wedding of one of his friends, at which I did not know anybody but Mark, who was the best man and therefore not able to ‘take care’ of me.</div><div style="margin-left: 36.0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">4)<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span>I started divorce proceedings against my ex-husband and abuser. As part of this, I described my abuse to a stranger (my solicitor) without crying or being overwhelmed by any other panic responses.</div><div style="margin-left: 36.0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">5)<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span>I was able to talk to two friends who had known me when I was with my ex-husband about the abuse without panicking. </div><div style="margin-left: 36.0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">6)<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span>I have been able to write about some aspects of my abuse to people online, who have been able to use my experiences to help them towards training to help other women who are being abused.</div><div style="margin-left: 36.0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">7)<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span>I have been able to look at my ex-husband’s website and see pictures of him, and pictures that he took of me when we were together, with only very minor, controllable panic responses.</div><div style="margin-left: 36.0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">8)<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span>Any panic attacks that have occurred because I’ve felt threatened by the possible presence of my ex-husband have been controlled on my own, without needing support from family or friends.</div><div style="margin-left: 36.0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">9)<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span>I have been able to carry out acts that used to bring about panic attacks without any form of anxiety response.</div><div style="margin-left: 36.0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">10)<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span>I have been able to read books and watch scenes in films that have triggered minor flashbacks, and have been able to control my panic/anxiety responses on my own.</div>I’m really proud of the progress I’ve made this year. I feel like I’m starting to get to a point where I can turn my experiences into positives, by helping others and sharing. These are my goals for next year:<br />
<br />
<div style="margin-left: 36.0pt; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -18.0pt;">1)<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span>Continue with roller derby. Try and become more confident in the social situations – not leaving as soon as possible at the end, talking to people more, attending social gatherings, etc. Maybe even make friends!</div><div style="margin-left: 36.0pt; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -18.0pt;">2)<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span>Carry out a long drive (I am planning to drive to Scotland in March), and feel confident that I can do it and that, even if I get lost, it doesn’t matter because I’m in control.</div><div style="margin-left: 36.0pt; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -18.0pt;">3)<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span>Start to write more about what happened. Try to write without needing to pick over why the things happened, but just letting the memories and experiences out and accepting that they took place without needing to know why.</div><div style="margin-left: 36.0pt; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -18.0pt;">4)<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span>Try to help more people who are at earlier stages in recovering from abuse or coming to terms with PTSD than me. Maybe look at volunteering for a group that helps victims of domestic or sexual abuse.<br />
5) I'd like to feel more comfortable talking to my family about what happened, and not feel like I have to do so much to hide it or hide my responses to some of the things that scare me. I don't know how to achieve this, though, which is why it's last. </div><br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%;">Please, feel free to add your own lists. I’d be really pleased to see a whole page of progress! Or if anyone feels they can help me with any of my goals, please leave a comment and I’ll contact you </span><span style="font-family: Wingdings; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%;">:) Alternatively, if you feel I could help with anything based on what I've written here, please contact me.</span>Alternative Mr Menhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13569552200536987969noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8099942440144697199.post-67007140278667098192011-12-12T01:06:00.000-08:002011-12-12T01:06:38.250-08:00A Festive 30 Seconds of Misogyny<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:OfficeDocumentSettings> <o:AllowPNG/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-GB</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:EnableOpenTypeKerning/> <w:DontFlipMirrorIndents/> <w:OverrideTableStyleHps/> </w:Compatibility> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<div class="MsoNormal">I am listening to the radio.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not normally a radio person, but one of the cats had stood on the TV remote and somehow flipped it over to BFBS Radio, a station I don’t know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The music’s not overly offensive, and I’m trying to work up the energy to get back to some analysis I’ve been working on, so I leave it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I stare into space, mildly amused by the antics of my two cats, the presenter introduces today’s phone-in: what annoys me most about Christmas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The first message read out is from a man who hates the Christmas shopping.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So far, so interchangeable with The Grumpies’ Guide to Christmas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The second message read out says, “I never know what to get my girlfriend”.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">One this point the presenter is very helpful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“What about an iron?” he says, barely able to conceal the glee and chuckles at his own cleverness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He proceeds with a few more domestic implements that any girlfriend would be delighted to unwrap for Christmas – some of them would even make quite a good impression when used to smack said boyfriend over the head!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His parting suggestion (he’s now snorting, and I can picture his eyes watering at just how funny he is) is “a broom”.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Yes, I know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m suffering from my feminist humour bypass again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bloody grumpy feminists.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can’t they take a joke?</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The problem, I think, comes from my own basic understanding of a joke.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Isn’t it supposed to be funny?</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The shopping-gender divide seems to be something of a theme this Christmas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps it’s because all the adverts have gone into sentimentality overload.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They aren’t showing the usual endless clips of harassed but cheerful looking women battling through the shops, frantically wrapping presents and preparing a Christmas dinner so big that even the poor starving Cratchetts would be sick or turkey by mid-January.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So the enforcement of the festive female stereotype has to be done somewhere.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it seems to be happening everywhere.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I was watching the BBC news a few days ago, and they too were doing a piece on how irritating shopping can be at this time of year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They interviewed a man and a woman.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The woman had been shopping for herself, not Christmas shopping – and had enjoyed herself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The man had been attempting (and failing) at Christmas shopping and having a horrible time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>From this the (male) reporter drew the conclusion that women are better at Christmas shopping than men.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The (male) studio anchor chipped in, saying women “just enjoy these things more”.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Standard Male Privilege Response ™ will be, “What does it matter?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not hurting anyone to draw such blatantly sexist conclusions and broadcast them on national media.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where’s the harm?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Normally at this point I would start in on statistics to do with how these messages affect women growing up, or discourage women, or result in an insidious removal of women from positions of power.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not this time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because it’s Christmas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And at Christmas I’m allowed to be petulant.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Enforcing gender stereotypes with militant persistence at Christmas matters because It’s Just Not Fair!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It encourages a latent laziness in everyone who has a penis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It encourages every man to not bother to think of those around them, to try and shunt the touchy-feely loving emotional part – one of the few that still exist in this commercialised capitalist festive world – over onto the women.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because they’re no good at knowing what would make other people happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The women can do that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They *like* giving a fuck about other people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Yes, shopping at this time of year is an absolute ballache.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hate shopping at the best of times, but we all know that elbowing your way to the last remaining copy of Elf in HMV, while it blasts Slade at you through tinny speakers, is a particular circle in Dante’s hell.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the whole point of it is that it’s supposed to be worth it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because you KNOW someone who answers the phone, “What’s your favourite colour?” and it’s just plain WRONG they’ve never seen this film.*<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Having a penis does not excuse you from understanding your fellow human beings, the people who tolerate, and possibly even love you the whole year round.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The ones who make you smile.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The ones, God forbid, who may even clean up your snotty tissues when you have a cold.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or make you a cup of tea when you’ve had a really miserable day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or picked the lock on that chest in Skyrim with the Really Awesome Weapon in it, because you have no patience with locks.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">This is why it’s not OK to joke about getting your girlfriend – or any important woman in your life – a clichéd domestic appliance for Christmas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s the season of goodwill.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In my mind, the time of year when a woman should be able to be appreciated for herself in all her individual glory, safely cosied away from the evils of misogyny.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Merry Christmas, ladies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>May you all have the power tools and video games you’ve been longing for all year!</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">* Apologies to all who didn’t get this reference.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You really should watch Elf.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a very good film.</div>Alternative Mr Menhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13569552200536987969noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8099942440144697199.post-78391158862507657192011-11-04T03:41:00.000-07:002011-11-04T03:41:11.443-07:00Lady GaGa and What She Should Have Done<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/> <w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/> <w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/> <w:Word11KerningPairs/> <w:CachedColBalance/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">So, a couple of nights ago my partner and I sat down to watch <a href="http://www.skyarts.co.uk/music/article/the-jo-whiley-music-show/">The Jo Whiley Music Show</a> on Sky Arts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not something I would normally watch, but Nicky Wire was on as a guest and the other half is a mad Manic Street Preachers fan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I sat down and prepared to put on my ‘yes, Nicky is wonderful, dear,’ face.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was actually an incredibly interesting show, and I will definitely be watching it again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The format is that Jo Whiley, former Radio One presenter, has a circle of stylish sofas, on which she sits with three guests.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In this episode her guests were the afore-mentioned Nicky Wire, the former Pop Idol contestant Will Young, and rapper Professor Green.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They have a set three of four topics they discuss, a quick VT of an interview with another musician, and a few songs from one of their guests.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Interesting and entertaining!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">But I am not writing about the show because I’ve found something new to put on Series Link.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My interest in this particular episode piqued when they ran a VT of Lady GaGa describing her ‘ideal band’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Following the VT, there was a short discussion of her choices and of the guests’ choices for an ‘ideal band’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The discussion then shifted to a debate over the progression of GaGa’s career.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Topics covered were her dress code and the choices she made about her latest album.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unfortunately, I’m not blessed with an eidetic memory, so I can’t give a word for word account of the discussion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But at one point, all three of the male guest panel agreed that Lady GaGa would be ‘better’ if she had released a very simple album.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Reasons cited were, “because she’s such a good musician and songwriter” and the panel believed that her “stunts” were harming her career and drawing attention away from her talents.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">When watching it, I was pretty shocked for several reasons: because Nicky Wire seems like the last person who should criticise a new artist for ‘pulling stunts’ or dressing strangely; because artistic license is ultimately at the heart of being an artist; I’ll even admit that part of it was because I love Lady GaGa (though I’m sure when certain comments come in, I’ll regret citing this as a reason).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I’ve had time to think about it, I’ve grown steadily angrier.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because I am angry, I am going to write a purely angry paragraph.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It will be only one paragraph, and then I will move on to rational discussion of Why This Was Not OK.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you don’t like women getting angry, I suggest you skip the following paragraph, as I will not be answering any comments saying that this is not a fair assessment because I’m only acting emotionally.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">How dare a group of white privileged men sit in a circle serenely commenting on how ANY female artist should have carried out her career?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The fact that any woman can be as successful as GaGa has been is a credit to the women’s liberation and feminist movements, and to the fabulous creativity of GaGa herself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She has fought against her production label and the media to put forward her own creative choices, and for that she should be applauded from the highest possible vantage point, not slyly criticised and patronised by her peers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Phew, thank goodness that’s over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can get back to my proper rationale now!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So my reasons for thinking this was a blatant example of male privilege undermining the woman’s movement and, in particular, Lady GaGa’s own special brand of feminism are as follows:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">She’s Such a Good Artist!</span></u></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I don’t know why this should come as a shock to anyone who’s really listened to her music, or heard her perform live.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, GaGa ‘can sing’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, she can write her own material.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, she can truly entertain and captivate a live audience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s been on the popular music scene for three years now, this has all been discussed to death and it should be news to no one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It should not be cited as something that influences <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">any</i> of her artistic decisions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her first album, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Fame</i>, sold over fourteen million copies world wide.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is just the number of people who bought her album legally.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t understand why GaGa’s abilities are still being discussed and debated at this late stage in the game.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Possibly because of the following...</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">She Doesn’t Need to Pull These Stunts!</span></u></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Ah, yes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Any form of unusual artistic expression can only be about publicity, drawing media attention.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To sell her albums, obviously.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And herself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because she’s got a pretty weak fanbase really, hasn’t she?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Especially for an artist only on her second studio album.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Especially for an artist trying to cover up the fact she has no talent.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Oh, but wait!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We all just said she’s talented!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, we’ve been saying it with surprise for the last three years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And as a high profile celebrity, actually, the media would probably follow her whatever she was doing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because let’s face it, the tabloid media are pretty interested in high-profile singers regardless of whether their attention is wanted or not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God forbid that a woman take all that attention and use it to her own advantage, or the advantage of the political and artistic causes she supports.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Among the ‘stunts’ discussed by the panel was <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-11297832">the meat dress</a>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the first place, give up on the meat dress already.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was a year ago now, and an awful lot has happened since then.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the second place, this was only mentioned in passing as “one of her craziest stunts”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No mention was made of why the artist said she did it, or the various interpretations of the outfit’s meaning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just as no mention was made of political intent with any of her ‘stunts’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There was no mention of GaGa as a feminist, as an activist for equality, or as a person who uses her status to bring issues under the nose of journalists who would not normally cover such statements.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because of GaGa’s ‘stunt’, people discussed feminism, the culture of celebrity, artistic expression and agism.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unfortunately, there was also a lot of discussion of how needy women will do anything for attention, but I choose to ignore those conversations (I know they’re bullshit).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>GaGa’s stunts are necessary and important.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are not (necessarily) a sales factor for her music, but they are an important part of who she is as a musical artist.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">She Should Have...</span></u></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">It seems like I can’t go a day without reading a woman’s article, without reading in comments underneath about what she ‘should have written’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I addressed this subject briefly <a href="http://beautifultwat.blogspot.com/2011/10/politically-correct-that.html">in a previous blog</a>, but I will just quickly say that people have their own interests.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They will discuss and research whatever interests <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">them</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If something else interests <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">you</i>, go write about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Chances are, if it touches on that person’s interests, they will even actively support you doing it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So when Whiley’s guests started discussing what would have made a ‘better’ second album from Lady GaGa, there was a small part of me that was disappointed that this is not a phenomena that only effects internet articles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">The specific suggestion was that GaGa should have done an acoustic album.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The word used was “simple” – there are obvious connotations, but as I don’t think they were intended I won’t go into discussing them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The reasons cited were those above: she does not need to pull stunts, but despite all three well recognised and established artists agreeing that she is an excellent musician, she still has to prove herself in some way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I sat listening to this discussion, wondering if any of the successful men sat on the sofas had ever been talked about in a similar way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wire, I very much doubt it – and if they had he would neither have noticed or cared.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And if he had noticed or cared, he would have tried his very hardest to do the opposite of whatever was suggested.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Professor Green, I will confess, is an artist with whom I am entirely unfamiliar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know he’s a successful white British rapper, and therefore must be a reasonable minority in his field.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And Will Young’s second album was released once the next round of Pop Idol had begun.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The attention was already off him, and he was free to begin expressing himself as an artist, instead of as the winner of a talent show.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was possibly the first album in which people did not tell him what he should or shouldn’t do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Given the careers of these men, it is doubly patronising that they preach and comment on what GaGa “should have done”.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">It is worth adding that no acknowledgement was made to the fact that GaGa is a genre artist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She may have had consistent number one singles and albums in the ‘pop’ charts, but her music is billed as dance or electronic by <a href="http://www.billboard.com/">Billboard Magazine</a>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No one would recommend that either Nicky Wire or Professor Green, who are both genre artists, completely switch genres for their second album.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">But aside from what I would call sexism, and my critics will undoubtedly call constructive criticism, there was no understanding of the fact that the point of GaGa’s music is that it’s fun!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She produces punchy songs that fill the dance floors.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They have empowering and sometimes political lyrics, but if you don’t want to listen to them you still have a bloody good time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And “simple” album would have fallen flat on its face, disappointed her core fan base and would surely have seen the artist disappear into obscurity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps while three men on a sofa talk about how she “should have” stayed true to what she was good at.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">To Conclude...</span></u></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">There are other topics on which I could opine, but I think I’ve made my point.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There will be those reading who think, who is this woman?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">feminist</i>?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How can she complain about misogyny in a show that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">has a female presenter</i>?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, this show – which was, otherwise, rather fantastic – does indeed have a female presenter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A female DJ presenter, and <a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/musicblog/2011/oct/28/female-dj-mag-top-100">we know how hard they are to come by</a>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I am not going to spend a paragraph thanking the patriarchy for installing a woman as the figurehead of a niche show in a post-watershed time slot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not of the opinion that we (as feminists, women or human beings) should thank the patriarchy for the small crumbs they are willing to throw to the cause of equality.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Especially not when I watch a good show – presented by whatever gender, creed, race, ability or sexuality of person – devolve into what is, essentially, a group of privileged white men discussing how the girls should be doing things to win their approval. What this discussion became might not have been an attack on Lady GaGa or her music, but misogyny does not need to make its point by screaming "I HATE WOMEN!!!" in an abused housewife's face. It can make itself just as evident by calmly questioning the artistic license of a hugely successful new musician, and patronisingly offering suggestions of what she should have done.</span></div>Alternative Mr Menhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13569552200536987969noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8099942440144697199.post-32614390065030499462011-10-31T09:20:00.000-07:002011-10-31T09:20:09.182-07:00"Politically Correct That!"<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/> <w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/> <w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/> <w:Word11KerningPairs/> <w:CachedColBalance/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Having been involved in quite a few online protests and discussion about various issues the last couple of months, I’ve found I need a place in which to vent my frustration.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My interest lies largely in the realm of feminist issues, including management of rape and sexual abuse survivors and ‘prevention’ campaigns.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">It seems that wherever and whenever a person or a group attempts to complain about something that strikes them as wrong, there is a hoard of people ready to make the following arguments.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As you may gather from this article, I don’t think much to any of the following as grounds for defending something that someone feels is offensive, harmful, sexist or hateful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is a very long rant, however, to have on individual threads addressing multiple people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Especially when such responses are inclined to make me so angry I can’t type.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I will post up my general reply here, and forward people in this direction as necessary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Please feel free to do the same.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Standard ignorant arguments about people who complain:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">“Don’t Choose to Be Offended”</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">People don’t seem to realise that offense is an emotional reaction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People do not have a choice about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s like finding something funny.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can’t choose to find a joke funny.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can choose to pretend to find it funny to appease those around you, but whether you genuinely find it funny or not is down to your personality, experience and emotional reaction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would like to state here, that I am not a liar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I have an objection to make, if I say I find something offensive and can give a reason why, those reasons are genuine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This could be because of my life experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For example, I am a woman so I get offended about sexism.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have been sexually abused, so I get offended about victim blaming.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>HOWEVER, I don’t think you only have a right to be offended about something if you have personal experience of that particular thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If something goes against your moral principles, it is the right thing to do to complain about it as loudly and directly as you can.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because let’s face it, the people who say ‘you choose to be offended’ are probably the same people who say, “Why are you complaining and not doing something about it?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the consumer world, complaint and protest the few effective weapons we have.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">“Political Correctness Gone Mad”</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Every time I read the sentence “Political correctness gone mad”, I literally want to punch the person nearest to me and scream, “POLITICALLY CORRECT THAT!” in their faces.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t, obviously.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I usually really really want to.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">This is a really wonderful umberella for people to hide under, as a reason they’re right and the ‘liberal lefties’ are wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because when said (or typed) in a smug privileged voice, it really really sounds like they’re right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But they’re not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They’re gaslighting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is the most frustrating response I have ever come across, because almost the only reaction is an emotional one – which just further lends to their ‘point’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">What this particular group of words actually says, when used in the context of a debate, is that the person saying these words either cannot or does not want to answer the argument in place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This person does not want to think about why someone would be offended by the word ‘mong’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They cannot imagine a world in which a woman would be offended about poor old Eamon Holmes telling a rape victim to get a taxi next time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They simply cannot see far enough outside of their own glass bubble to consider why someone else would find this offensive, and deal with that person’s feelings.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">In my house, we have a special name for this sort of person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is: RUDE!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A person who cannot be bothered to understand why someone else in upset or offended, and tells that person to quit whining and get on with it? That is a RUDE person.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">“If You Don’t Like It, Don’t Buy It/Watch That Show/Follow That Person”</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">Ah, if only the world were this simple.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Remember Nazi Germany?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Remember the death camps?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Remember how you were taught in school that normal, every day people worked in those camps, just like me and you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And they were tried after the war, weren’t they?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Remember what they said?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They said, “I was just following orders.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I’ll bet you sat there disgusted, with your look of disbelief.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How could anyone possibly sit and do nothing? Worse, play along and pretend that what was happening was OK?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’d never do anything like that! Right?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I know I wouldn’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you know how I know?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because when I see something that I think is wrong, I say so out loud.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sure, there aren’t any Nazis using gas chambers any more (Least I bloody hope not!) but I was brought up to have principles, based on logic and empathy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I see something that goes against my principles, I stand up and say, “That’s not right.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Quite often, that’s all I can do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I have a right to say it, and I exercise that right (I’d like to add that, when I see something that’s very right, I also fling my whole-hearted support behind it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Despite what this article might suggest, I am not one of life’s whingers!)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve been flamed for this on several occasions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s very hurtful, I won’t lie to you, to be told you’re a ‘stupid bitch’ because you point out that making fun of Down ’s syndrome is offensive and hurtful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What’s more angry-making, however, is to be told to just avoid these people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not in Primary school, I’m a big girl. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not going to ignore the bully.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m going to call them out and try, in my own tiny and insignificant way, to make the world a slightly better place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If that makes me a stupid bitch, then I guess I can live with that.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">“Bloody Keyboard Warriors!”</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">This, of any argument, makes me laugh hardest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because it is almost ALWAYS used in print format.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Apparently whatever has made me a keyboard warrior, does not apply to the person arguing against me.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I have no defence to this except that I don’t believe I am a keyboard warrior.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I post my responses and articles under my own name.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I’m on twitter, there’s a picture of me and I’m pretty sure you can find my email address if you look closely enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I consider myself an activist in ‘real life’, when I have the time, and I’ve contributed articles to feminist publications under my own name.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I express myself best in the printed format, because I’m a pretty shy person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not good at public speaking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Shit comes out wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I use print, not because I can distance myself from what I’m discussing (On the contrary, what I say comes from the heart) but because I can edit what I’ve written.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Make it more balanced.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Make it less personal to whoever I’m arguing against.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Draw on a pool of experience from those I know online, which would otherwise be more limited because of my location.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do not post anonymous or snide comments, or personal attacks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d be a bit hypocritical if I did, really, wouldn’t I?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">“Does it Really Matter?”</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">I understand that I’ve just likened complaining about a well known figure repeatedly using the word “mong” with Second World War ethnic cleansing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know, obviously, that the two are poles apart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not that tweaked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I know that in the grand scheme of things, savagely defending equal rights for all might seem like an over-reaction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t think so, but I can understand how some might think that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have several responses to this.</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1)<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">This matters to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m a busy woman, I have a hectic job and various commitments.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I’m ranting about women’s rights chances are that, yes, I could be spending my time productively playing with my cat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You should, in that case, consider that I haven’t chosen to do that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve been effected enough by something that I’m sat in front of a computer writing a very long piece defending my rights or the rights of people I care about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If this did not matter to me, I would not do it.</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2)<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">If you have a cause that you care about more than whatever we are discussing, surely you (not I) should be attending to that cause?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You want to wipe out poverty in India?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Make peace in the Middle East?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am 100% behind you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You go tiger!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But if you think that is the most important cause in your life, surely you should be off supporting that cause instead of trying to tear down mine?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">The things I am arguing for (or against) are not controversial and they are not going to hurt you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It does not take the brightest person in the world to know that rape is not the victim’s fault.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m stating the bloody obvious.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And stating my obvious does not take anything away from you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you feel I am taking anything away from you when I say that we should not use a word that has been established as deeply offensive, or when I accuse a group of victim blaming, then maybe you need to look a bit more closely at why you’re so incensed about my arguments.</span></div>Alternative Mr Menhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13569552200536987969noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8099942440144697199.post-57674119162039374812011-10-19T04:04:00.000-07:002011-10-19T04:04:23.825-07:00Letter to South Wales Police<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/> <w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/> <w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/> <w:Word11KerningPairs/> <w:CachedColBalance/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Dear Sir/Madam,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">I’m writing to you regarding a poster campaign that has been launched by South Wales Police and New Pathways.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Specifically, regarding a poster – photograph of which can be found here: <a href="http://twitgoo.com/4r6vkp">http://twitgoo.com/4r6vkp</a> .<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The implication of this poster is that women are raped and/or sexually abused because they get drunk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This poster has made me very angry for the following reasons:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1) 1)<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span lang="EN-GB">It places the blame for rape crimes on the victims.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Counsellors who deal with those who have experienced rape have to spend an awful lot of time persuading those people that what happened was not their fault.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This poster suggests otherwise.</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2)<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span lang="EN-GB">2) t addresses the prospective victim of rape, rather than the perpetrator.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Surely an advert campaign addressing prospective rapists would be more sensible?</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3)<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span lang="EN-GB">3) As a woman who has survived domestic sexual abuse, gone through counselling, and got on with my life making strengths out of the weaknesses my abuser exploited, I am personally offended and very angry about the tagline, “Don’t be a victim”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It discourages women from speaking out about their experiences.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is judgemental.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It implies a criticism of raped women who ‘make a fuss’, and the whole poster suggests it was their fault to begin with.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">I know that the phenomena of ‘slut walks’ have not made it to the Valleys yet, but I’m sure you must be aware of these movements (If not, I recommend reading up on it here: <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SlutWalk">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SlutWalk</a> ).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The purpose of these protest marches is to stop people, specifically the authorities, laying blame for sex crimes on those who are worst affected by them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The protest is being held by women who are stronger for what they have experienced, who are sick of being judged for something through which they have suffered.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This poster is contrary to everything such positive campaigns are attempting to achieve.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">I am VERY surprised that an organisation like New Pathways is being affiliated with this campaign, and can only hope that they did not have any input into the design or message of the poster.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">My personal recommendation would be to have these posters withdrawn, and to stop wasting money on counterproductive campaigns.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would rather see this money channelled into ensuring rape cases go through to conviction and court.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps if we had a higher conviction rate, some men would think twice before ignoring the two little letters ‘NO’.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">I will be circulating this picture to my colleagues, friends, family, twitter followers, and anyone else who might be interested in it, along with a copy of this letter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hope you receive many more.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Kind regards,</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Vicky Ford</span></div>Alternative Mr Menhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13569552200536987969noreply@blogger.com1